Destination Anxiety

When I conjure up images of travel my mind wanders to scenes from days long gone of passengers assembled up long festooned planks to board a grand ocean liner, or perhaps a group of smiling, smartly dressed airline patrons neatly queued to board a shiny jet airplane. Why my mind would drift to these images is anybody’s guess and certainly vexing to me because I know better. You see, I am an experienced traveler. Some, including me, would say, too experienced. In the past six years I have logged well over one million air miles, who knows how many on trains, stayed in so many hotels that I now check-in and unpack with no memory of doing so.

I know what some of you are thinking. “Oh, pity, you’re traveling the globe while I’m stuck in this office.” There is a time that I would have agreed with you. Being caged in an office day after day was too much to bear and getting out on the road was my salvation. For this opportunity, I am eternally grateful.

However, the landscape has changed. Just ask anyone who travels regularly for business. The most maddening thing is that the people who profit from and depend upon travelers are the ones that are seemingly going out of their way to batter travelers and discourage the act altogether.

Air travel is just the pits these days. Sure I am aware of the real threat of terrorism and sure I am aware of the high cost of fuel. I am perfectly willing to do my part to follow security demands regardless of how silly and pointless some of the new regulations seem to be. I’ll reluctantly accept being occasionally shook-down and groped. However, our insane effort not to profile passengers has resulted in your grandmother performing an audition for the Fox show COPS while merely attempting to enter the terminal. Meanwhile the two guys standing near her with questionable hygiene, suspicious travel documents, erratic behavior, and their personal belongings stuffed into tattered cardboard boxes wrapped in duct-tape file by without a second glance. (I can’t wait to get email on this one…)

Once on board the real festival begins. You want a bottle of water, because the TSA confiscated yours, you’re going to pay. You want a glass of wine or a beer, reach for the wallet. And if you want a snack, keep the wallet out. It doesn’t matter if you are flying cross-country or to a neighboring state, the policy is the same; pay us again. You may wish to carry on your own food, well not really your own food as TSA has taken that away too, rather airport food. Airport food is much like real food only half as good and three times the cost. Carrying food on board could be tricky as you have just ran out hands when you discovered that the airline wanted a fee to load your bag. But don’t worry; you will likely be seated next to someone who did manage to bring on some airport food and the sight of the sandwiches being consumed in rapid fashion along with the obligatory lettuce and pickle shrapnel will put you off of eating until landing.

Once on the ground you will likely be finding your way to a hotel. The hotel people must be spending their off hours with the airline folks as they too have found new ways to make you miss home. Again, flying in the face of logic, the more pricy the hotel, the more likely you are to pay for everything that you may need to do. “We have Wi-Fi!" they proudly proclaim. However, the fine print reveals that you can have internet access in your room – where you are and your computer is as well – if you are willing to add an additional $11.99 per day to your bill!

Thirsty? Don’t even think about grabbing that bottle of water on the nightstand as it makes current gasoline prices seem damn reasonable.

God help you if you get hooked into ordering the breakfast from the convenient little doors tags left in your room. These are often placed on your pillow to be found when you arrive late to your room. Entrapment if you ask me. You see two eggs, bacon, toast, fruit, and tea! You check the box for the desired time and drift off to sleep with the knowledge that someone will be bring breakfast to your room; sweet dreams. The problem is that the midnight brain is incapable of math. I have done a lot of studies on this subject and take it from me; the midnight mind is not very clever. However, the morning, post breakfast, mind is pretty sharp and calculates the cost of breakfast. The breakfast is $24, then there is a delivery charge of $4, and a gratuity charge of 18%, and then there is the nice guy who brings the breakfast to your room and he wants, and deserves, a few bucks. When the calculator has finished sizzling you realize that breakfast has just cost you a whopping $37. If you had known that going in you would have chewed more slowly.

For the sake of your sanity I won’t even go into what happens behind the doors of the hotel’s Business Center. Suffice it to say that if you need anything in there it is you that will be getting the business!

On checkout when the final bill is presented you will be certain of what must be done. You must get home. Get home to sell your TV, microwave oven, and car to cover the charges.

Now all in unison, let’s click our heals together and repeat, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…