A Valentine's Day Survival Guide

A Valentine's Day Survival Kit

Valentine's Day is right around the corner and with it comes anticipation, anxiety, and a reasonable dose of trepidation. There is no need to fear the day and I have provided a few tips to get you through the 14th relatively unscathed.


Tips for the Guys

First and foremost, the easy answer is to rely on the classics, they are your friends: chocolate, flowers, and jewelry. However, if any or all of these items are delivered in a cool and casual manner or if you made poor purchases this could backfire. The key to a good relationship is sincerity. Once you have learned how to fake that you have it made.

Flowers are always welcome. Leave them for her to find as a surprise or have them sent to her place of employment. (The traditional office enviroment works best for this; if she waits tables or assembles large machinery, sending flowers to work is not a good idea.) Flowers at the office are typically welcome at work. Women often like the “show” aspect of flowers sent to the office in front of her colleagues. This also has the side benefit of letting the single guys in her office know who is left out on VD. It’s as good as crashing a wedding.

Don’t give household items! Even if she asks for a cool kitchen gadget, don’t do it! She may smile at the moment and may even be thrilled to get it but somewhere down the line be it hours from the gifting or days, this will come back to haunt you. Never give anything that you couldn’t survive having thrown at you.

The cheesy obligatory dinner reservation must be avoided. If your girl insists on going out on the day, get a new girl. There is nothing more clichéd than the VD dinner date. If you do go out you should be aware that the wait staff hates you before you take your seats. This is one of the annual nightmare nights for wait staff and if you go out on this night you will be tainted for the rest of the year.

TIVO any and all sporting events. Even if she likes the game as well, watching on VD should be avoided. Regardless of how much fun she is having in the moment, once she tells her girlfriends what she did on the day and receives their disapproving or sorrowful looks, you’re cooked.

Don’t text message your Valentine's wishes! (If this is news to you, you are in serious need of some help.)

Avoid the stuffed animal. Stuffed animals are welcome when won at the County Fair as it is a cuddly and warm sensation that helps drown the inappropriate glares she has just received from the carnies.

Get her something personal. This requires thought but you can do it. Cooking a meal is a great move. However, don’t plan a meal that you can’t pull off with success and style and don’t over feed the two of you. Bloated and gassy is no way to spend the relationship chips you have just earned.

Avoid lingerie! I know that this seems like a good idea but this road is filled with potholes and it runs along a very steep cliff. For starters, the size could be wrong. Whichever direction you have erred will work against you. “Do these jeans make my…” Yeah, it’s one of those moments. Also, there is no way that won’t be seen as an attempt to get her clothes off.

Don’t buy generic chocolate! If you are buying chocolates in the same drugstore aisle that you have picked up the greeting card… run out now and get an upgrade. Last but not least, always remember that Mrs. Right has a first name, it's Always.

Tips for the Ladies

Don’t forget that guys and gals are different! What you want is likely not what he wants. You want to be dazzled while he wants to survive it.

You like a big flower bouquet at work but he does not. Us guys spend our childhood on the playground trying not to do something that will get us slagged by our mates. Don’t offer our dopey friends fodder for days to come.

Don’t build expectations of the day based on an article in Cosmo or Glamour. In fact, cancel your subscription.

We really don’t care about getting a gift and the last thing we want is a gift better than the one that we got you! Keep it small, perhaps a card and if flowers are involved make it a single stem. We like flowers but we don’t need a bouquet.

Don’t tell your guy about what your girlfriends are getting on VD and DON'T tell your guy what to get you! Any semi-intelligent guy with a shred of self-respect will boycott the day when presented with a ransom note thinly veiled as a wish list.

Give something humorous that shows that you appreciate being recognized on this day but you don’t take it too serious.

Tips for Everyone

Don't tweet or Facebook post what you gave or what you got. Nobody cares. 40 photos of your flower arrangement smells more of what flowers grow in rather than the bloom.